Within the comments to this post you will find some feedback for your critique draft. Read the feedback and correct any mistakes that may have been identified. For Tuesday, write a one paragraph reflection regarding your strengths and weaknesses as a writer. Offer some solutions to address your weaknesses. Look at the first critiques of your peers and identify some qualities that you admire and hope to emulate.
1. You will receive an anonymous peer critique. Read it carefully. Read it again.
2. Begin a document and title its heading after the name of the image, so its owner may locate it over the weekend.
3. Offer at least 3 specific, carefully articulated suggestions. What does the critique lack? What changes need to be made? It is unlikely that the paper you receive is a "100". Give your peers some direction that will help them get the grade they want.
4. Offer at least 3 specific, carefully articulated commendations. What has the writer done well?
5. Post your comment.
6. Repeat the process for 2 other critiques.
39 comments:
"JEALOUSY"
Very well done. There are some awkward wording through out the paper. If you read it to yourself outloud they will be easy to pick out and you can fix them with no problem at all.
Also, though I have not seen the painting, I feel a little bit more could be said about the contrast and expressions.
Other than that, this critique is very well done!
Michael Jordon Painting
1.) The second paragraph should be a little bit longer, the starts of many sentences aren’t capitalized, first sentence of essay is a little confusing.
2.) The rest of the intro is good, really solid concluding paragraph, although the second paragraph is really short the points made are really good.
"HOMOCULUS"
First, I'd like to say that I love this picture.
The critique is strong and well thought out. However, it is extremely short. With such a strong photo I feel that there is so much more to say.
Also, I think getting into the symbolism of this photo would be really fun, not only to write, but also to read.
Other than that this critique is extremely well written.
*the Horseback Ride- William Adolphe
-kind of dissoraganized, its hard to tell what paragragps are suposed to be about exactly
- cant find a thesis or a clean introduction paragraph
- to short and unformed
- words/sentences flow nicely
- nice discription of the painting
- i really like the girls expresions are discribed and are a very prominent part of the critque.
Roots
When was this painting made?
Where was it made?
What influenced the author to make it?
There are a few spelling errors.
The essay uses a lot of detail.
A good use of vocabulary is used.
Carlos Silva
"People Racing Jet Skis"
3 suggestions
1. Add 3 elements to your thesis and incorporate them into your body paragraphs.
2. Finish conclusion, restate elements that you added to your thesis and add something relating to everyday life.
3. Becareful when you write the words "there" "their" (posession) and "they're" (they are)
3 compliments
1. Good job talking about the background!
2. I like how you talked about the differences between the two people.
3. I like how you talk about the sunset, try encorporating art elements in with that!
"Homunculus"
- has a strong thesis statement
-provide more input of the image
-try to come up with more elements, such as juxtaposition, value or composition
-very good on explaining the importance of fear and death
Andy Armstrong- Love Shouldn’t Hurt.
The information is good but changing the wording around just a bit may help add interest to it. I like how you gave detail about the image and compared it to life today. The ending is interesting because you give some great information about art and how Andy Armstrong tries to make his way into this subject.
In the last pargraph "for ever" should be made one word, and the indent for paragraph 4 is too large.
Other than those 2 small mistakes the only thing i might add is how the two people are the only ones pictured making the lonliness description stronger. Overall it's a well written paper. The insight is thoughtful and the thesis is strong.
Jet Stream Super – Highway & Hyper Wing Sail Vehicle
• Spelling error in thesis statement.
• Great funnel, but thesis is lacking.
• Fix paragraph 3, it gets a little wordy.
“Jealousy”
1.) Second and third paragraphs bring up many of the same points. Good critique can’t find anything else wrong with it.
2.) Intro and conclusion are really good (made me want to read), in the second paragraph the talk about blues and blue colors war interesting.
Autumn Landscape By Benjamin Champney,
The critique lacks all the body paragraphs. The first sentence you can get rid of nature and just put the painting; because anyone that looks at the picture can tell it is of nature. but other than that it was a good start.
by zacksalvo
Fox Hunter - Kim Hunter
You have done a good description of the image, but I think it would be nice if you write a little bit more about the elements used by the painter.
Some words that you can add and explain are:
- Movement
- Perspective
- Focal point
Anthony Robles
This photo is very inspiring and i like the choice. There are a couple of spelling errors, i would check it over one more time. You did talk about the emotion of the crowd, but i belive you could expand on the subject a little more. you also need to create a concluding paragraph to sum up the topics you talked about. you do have good adjective use like when said he had a "vise like grip". It is nice that you mention some good facts, but i think that it should include some more emotion about the photo.
"People Racing Jet Skis"
3 suggestions
1. add elements to thesis
2. restate elements you add to the thesis in your conclusion and relate the image to everyday life in your conclusion
3. Be careful wtih writing "there" and "their"
3 compliments
1. talking about background is good! (put in thesis)
2. Talking about sunset is good!(encorporate art element to go with the sunset)
3. I like how you compare and contrast the two people!(talk about proportion or another art element)
"AGONY"
There are many good ideas within this critique, but I feel like they are only scratching the surface of what is actually within this painting. The ideas are great, but they definitely could be fleshed out.
Also, the thesis is very strong and well thought out, but there could be a little bit more funneling going towards it.
Also, a little bit of background on the painter could help a lot with the funneling and giving some insight on the piece.
Other than that, very well done!
Micheal Jordan
- how is the painting related to the concept/ what is the concept?
- body paragraphs need alittle more detail or discription, to short
- some sentences are alittle wordy/ cofusing
- really good Funel
- good opening and closeing paragraph
-good evaluation of the contrast
“Autumn Landscape”
1.) Way to short, the thesis has multiple elements but only one is explained, thesis is good but could use a little better wording.
2.) Good intro, harmony is a really good choice of element for this image, lots of adjectives in the thesis.
The horseback ride
When was this made?
Do the children have parents?
Where was it made?
The critique lacks more details.
The last paragraph should reflect on the painting.
You did a good job explaining what the image was about and explaining the short lived joys of childhood.
Carlos Silva
Fox Hunt by Kim Hunter
There are a couple typos and some sentences you should think about using a comma or semi colon. Also the word appears is used alot .so you might want to look up some other words to take its place because being repetitive isnt always good. but what your trying to say makes sense because the one dog not invloved looks sad and lonely. maybe you can do a section on background to which could be that animal in the field and all the hills and trees?
by zacksalvo
"Paratrooper"
-try not to use personal pronouns
-very good on combining with overcoming fear and dangerous activities
-provide more input on foreground with the third paragraph
-describe more of how the image is constructed
-has strong thesis statement
-try to provide more on everyday activities that people could overcome fear
-really good on the symbolism of how people can be selfless and fearless
Roots
• Conclusion paragraph need a little more, seems rushed.
• Good use of vocabulary.
• Good adjectives used.
• There are a couple small grammatical errors.
• Fix paragraph 3, it gets a little wordy.
"Love Shouldn't Hurt"
This is a very good critique. Only a few things i might add. The critique does a great job explaining the emotional side of the painting, but i might go futher into the description a little bit more. Maybe point out the wounds or something.
Also, I would mention the setting. She appears to be alone in a shower, i would mention the lonliness. When i look at this image i feel cold freezing water and complete nothingness. That's just me though. Other than a couple little things like that, This critique is ready to be passed in.
Homunculus
Youn have a very strong thesis statement, that really grabs you and pulls you into the story. when you talk about the colors of the fetus and the background, i would use the word contrast to describe the two. I would also try to break up the background from the focal point and talk about them separatly. you have very good use of adjectives when describing the scene. A concluding paragraph to wrap up your ideas would be a good thing to do also.
David Huang.
I like how you began the critique with information about the world today and how “discoveries in technology and engineering have allowed the world to come incredibly far in a short period of time.”I like how you slowly meshed the topic involving the real world into the actual critique. Wording could be fixed slightly to make it seem less crowded. Overall, the image you picked was interesting and seems difficult to write about but you did a good job.
"Jealousy"
3 suggestions
1. Try not to use the word "By" to start sentences, usually leads to awkwordly worded sentences
2. When you write the title of the painting use quotatiuons instead of italics.
3. Add adjectives to add detail to your critique, they'll help!
3 compliments
1. Good funnel introduction!
2. Good job restating your thesis in the conclusion.
3. Good job talking about the emotions in regaurds to color choice!
"MICHAEL JORDAN"
The artist's name should be found to help the funnel introduction towards the thesis. Without this the introduction feels awkward.
The ideas within the paragraphs are very good, but they definitely need to be fleshed out. A deeper insight of these would most certainly inhance the critique.
Also, some of the wording is awkward. If you read the critique aloud to yourself you will definitley hear it and be able to fix it.
Other than that, it is written very well.
"People Racing Jet Skis"
-Try to put the elements in the thesis
-really good on describing the image
-focus more on how the image provides input in people's lives
-suggest putting more elements in the critique to make it better
“Guilty” Tracey C. of TC Artworks, oil on canvas
Whether or not an action is a crime or not is up to the moral standards and point of view of an individual. If the point of view is the ‘wrongdoer’ then they will most likely believe that their action was okay, but if the point of view is an opposing lawyer then the action will be viewed as illegal and immoral. Many ‘wrongdoers’ do not actually know or believe that what they did is socially, morally, or personally incorrect. They usually represent this lack of knowledge when they are accused of this action, they could act like they don’t know what is being accused of them or truly not know. In the painting “Guilty” Tracey C. uses the emptiness of the background and cat’s stare, along with the obvious crime of the eaten bird to represent the universal belief that some actions have no value of wrongdoing to an individual.
The background of “Guilty” leaves the mind to wonder what it means; it could mean that perhaps the cat had no recognition of its wrongdoing. The straight blackness of the background symbolizes the empty thoughts, or the lack of knowledge of the crime. The background also could represent that the cat believes that there was nothing wrong with eating the bird, and the background is just that, nothing. There is no meaning to the background which shows that the eating of the bird has no effect on the cat, it does not care or know that what he did was wrong. Along with the black emptiness of the background, the eyes share meanings into the cat’s guilt.
Both of the cat’s eyes symbolize the wrongdoing of the cat. The almost innocent glare of the cat proves that it really doesn’t know what is wrong, and it is a moment like any other, not special. The cat does not acknowledge that he was not supposed to eat the bird. There is a shadow that covers one of the eyes to represent that the cat is ‘on the dark side’ and guilty, while the eye not shadowed is representing the seemingly innocent qualities of the cat. Eyes can have a lot to do with showing guilt of a crime.
Tracey C. uses the bright color of the feathers to make it the crime committed obvious to the viewers. The way there is a lingering feather shows that there is that lingering thought of being guilty even though the cat sees himself as innocent. Also many viewers first notice how the feathers are in the shape of a moustache, which almost alludes to the many historical figures such as Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler who were very guilty of many crimes and all had moustaches.
The many qualities of the painting represent the innocence and guilt of the cat. The eyes are traditionally used as a segway to determining innocence. The obvious difference between the eyes shows the difference in outsider’s opinions and the cat’s own opinion of its action. The background represents the way the cat seems to view its action. The whole painting has many meanings, and it depends on the viewer to make the meaning.
Autumn Landscape benjamin champney
- 2nd paragraph is to short, needs elaberation
- second paragraph isnt clearly to the concept
-nice description of the fall
Critique #2
Nick Roe
The photo I choose for critique number 2 was a tree bent over on its side due to the ice formed on the tree. I am not really sure where this photo was taken but I’m sure it was taken during the winter. This tree has so much ice on it that it weights down the tree enough to bend it on its side and create a beautiful ice tree sculpture. The photographer who took this photo uses the field of view, and form to emphasize the uniqueness and beauty of what this frozen tree has become naturally.
The photographer took this picture which only consists of the tree. He uses the field of view to single out the tree and make it the focal point of the picture. This “plain” background allows the tree to become more emphasized and make it the biggest and most important part of the photo.
The photo also takes the form of the tree to emphasize it more. Because of all the weight of the ice, the tree is bent over in a natural way to create some kind of art sculpture look. It creates a look that only nature itself could create. This emphasizes the tree more because you never really see anything like this in art or in nature. So the tree itself is a unique thing that can’t be reproduced easily.
This photo is very unique in that it was produced naturally. No human being created something like this. Because of that it makes this tree very unique in that it will probably not happen very often and it doesn’t last forever like most other paintings. The photographer who took this photo uses the field of view and form to make the sculpture tree stand out in a way that draws your attention.
My weakness as a writer is trying to stay on topic, remembering english thoughts as supposed to german thoughts, and knowing propper english grammar.
My strengths however is critiquing people. It's a really bad habbit of mine. Whether it's complaining about what people wear on tv to people's southern accents.
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Reflection:
I need to change how the critique is worded. I should put more information about contrasts and how its expressed. I think I should provide more adjectives in order to express the ideas better. Also, write more on the painting. The way I write, is more on how people view something rather than how its actually is.
I agree that I should add more detail to my ideas! I should also create my introduction as more of a funnel.
When writing i usually feel like i have a lot to say but i dont exactly know how to say it, especially when writing the critques. Because of this my writing often ends up to short without enough detail. For critque 2 i know i need to elaborate on my ideas. One thing im going to add to critque 2 is the emement juxtaposition. im my writing i need to elaberate more.
Reflection:
I really enjoyed being able to get feedback from other students in this way. I feel that it allowed us to be more open with each other and be able to give truly helpful advice. I've learned that I need to reword a few pieces and focus a little more on the setting of my photograph. I truly enjoyed this assignment.
Really rough draft of "pursuit under silver skies" by Joel Rea
The worst kind of nightmare is the ones where you are running as fast as your legs can carry you, but you are not moving forward. What are you even running from? Most likely it’s a problem or insecurity that your brain ignores until it’s freed by sleep. Every person encounters fear in their lives, and whether or not that fear remains suppressed depends on the person. Expressing nightmares through art allows the artist to visualize and remember their fear. In the painting “Pursuit under Silver Skies” Joel Rea uses distortion and motion to convey feelings of helplessness and insecurity. (Revise)
The obvious distortion of the huge dog depicted in the painting emotionally effects the viewer. The dog is many times the size of the man wearing the red shirt implying that he cannot handle the dog itself. Using distorted reality gives the painting a dream-like composition, making it more applicable to people’s lives and emotions. The contrast between them also adds to the dreamlike quality of the painting. Our brains don’t always process things, especially in dreams. For example, the giant dog could be a problem from his past or his everyday life. The distortion of the dog shows how overwhelming conflicts in our lives can be, and the body language of the man running from the dog shows the struggle his struggle to escape his problems. (Revise)
Along with distortion, Joel Rea creates the motion of the man and dog running and the huge tidal wave crashing in the background. The emotion of the man running allows the viewer to the motion and panic he feels. The dog and the tidal wave represent the conflicts and problems. Both seem to be moving towards him in a forward motion and both are enormous. These motions convey the panic he feels. The realism and motion of the dog and wave combined make for a shocking view behind the man. The layering of the two makes his problems seem twice as inescapable. Concluding sentence. (Revise)
Problems in our lives sometimes feel overwhelming. Sometimes we can’t deal with them and it feels like we are drowning or being chased until we can’t breathe anymore. Those strong and frightening feelings are conveyed through Joel Rea’s painting “Pursuit under Silver Skies”. (Serious revision needed)
When I write I cannot always articulate what I want to say. I might have a million ideas running wild in my head, but when I go to write them down they all disappear like a game of hide and seek. Other times I have a great idea, one that is really strong and works for whatever I’m currently writing, but it’s the only idea I’ve got. I sometimes find myself writing the same sentence thirty different ways to make an essay. I feel like I did that in critique #2. I’m having a lot of trouble with this painting, maybe it’s because it’s one of my favorites. I need to revise my essay desperately but my working draft is alright for now. I need to organize my ideas and slow down on my though process
"Pursuit Under Silver Skies"
When I write I cannot always articulate what I want to say. I might have a million ideas running wild in my head, but when I go to write them down they all disappear like a game of hide and seek. Other times I have a great idea, one that is really strong and works for whatever I’m currently writing, but it’s the only idea I’ve got. I sometimes find myself writing the same sentence thirty different ways to make an essay. I feel like I did that in critique #2. I’m having a lot of trouble with this painting, maybe it’s because it’s one of my favorites. I need to revise my essay desperately but my working draft is alright for now. I need to organize my ideas and slow down on my though process.
Kudos to Vicky Miller for using the word HOMOCULUS. I love that word. I gotta remember to use that one.
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